The Light Network Master Feed

Hello and welcome to Wifey Wednesdays, a podcast for women who are seeking to be the best wives they can be. I’m your host, Emily Hatfield, and this is the show where the plan is always to do things God’s way, especially our marriages.

On today’s episode, we are talking about something that is incredibly difficult — and while it may be something that I am better at fifteen years into marriage…and 13 years into this podcast….it is by no means something that I have perfectly figured out. So this episode is mostly a reminder for myself, and a heart check, and a recentering….and hopefully it will be something that can help you, too.

Because here’s the thing — we get mad, right?

There should be no other person on the planet closer to you than your spouse. And what happens when you are close to someone? Well, typically, they are given more access - they are given more time - they are given more of your availability. The sheer amount of time you spend together lends itself to opportunities to see you at every level of yourself, right? The best and the worst! Your spouse is there for it all! So they’re going to catch you on the days that you’re just exceptionally angry for whatever reason.

But it’s more than just - they’re around you more than most everybody else. It’s also - they know you better than everyone else. And sometimes, that familiarity can lead to knowing which exact buttons to push. OR, it can mean — I have less patience with you because I feel like you ought to know me better than to say that or do that or not do that. Also - marriage spans a long time. And marriage spans different seasons. There are many opportunities for anger that may come up throughout your marriage. Also, sometimes my anger is misguided. I get angry at some other, outside situation but I allow that to take control of my attitude and then I take it out on my husband.

So, suffice it to say - we get mad. Our spouses see that. And, our spouses often feel that because we often direct it at them.

Now, not all anger is automatically bad. There’s a reason James can tell us - be angry and do not sin. Being angry is not the sin. It’s how we act in our anger - how we react - what we choose to hold onto and allow to germinate within our hearts. Because bitterness and resentment? Those things are definitely bad. And they often begin with anger.

So, let’s first ask ourselves in any situation where anger has cropped up — is this righteous anger? Should I really even be angry?

Most of the time, when someone is righteously angry in scripture, they have gotten angry over something that has been profaned when it comes to the Lord — someone questioned His holiness or authority or something like that. Prophets get angry over other leaders luring God’s people away from Him. God Himself is said to be angry — and we know that can only be a righteous anger. He’s angry when Moses says send someone else on the commission that God has given Him. Speaking of Moses, Moses gets angry when the children of Israel have constructed a golden calf while he’s been up receiving the tablets of stone. God gets angry when the children of Israel are complaining in the wilderness.

But — one of the most fascinating things to me is that, all throughout the Old Testament, there is one long, repeated identifier given to us about who God is. He repeatedly tells people this about Himself — and the writers of the Old Testament repeatedly include this phrasing when discussing our God:

“The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness…”

This exact terminology is used over and over again to describe our Lord. And while He was sometimes angry, His character is such that He is slow in coming to anger. It isn’t that He cannot be angry, but that His patience is exceptional. He is abounding in steadfast love and mercy. He does not choose anger first. He does not ever have a reactive sort of anger. His anger comes after perpetual disobedience. His anger comes when people are being led toward their own destruction.

My anger is often not like that, and there’s my first problem.

This is a sad realization, but I don’t know that it could be said of me that I am slow to anger. My frustrations often get the best of me. It is probably one of my greatest struggles. Things go from a one to a 10 on the scale prettty quickly, whether it’s because I am overwhelmed or tired of repeating myself or feel like people ought to know better by this point…whatever it is, it’s a me thing. And my spouse, even if they do something that IS irritating, that they SHOULD know better than…even if they are rude or unkind or quick to say something they shouldn’t….how is my response to be? If I’m modeling my behavior (and my heart!) after God — as I should be — then shouldn’t I work on being slow to anger? Shouldn’t I work on training my mind to not choose anger first?

This has to be an active pursuit in our minds.

For me, one of the things I have to meditate upon is 1 Corinthians 13. I know that God is love, and 1 Corinthians 13 gives me many characteristics of that love that help me in the moments when I am tempted to choose a response other than love. So for me, I have to repeat some things to myself. Things like - Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things….

When my husband hasn’t acted like he should — how can I bear all things? When my mind wants to fabricate some kind of response based on selfish motives, like I deserve better or they should have known better because I would have known better….love believes all things…believes the best about others….believes they’re trying their best and not actively trying to hurt me. When my husband has said something that seems hurtful, do I rush to claim to know his motives or do I hope all things - do I give the benefit of the doubt and seek to respond in a way that honors that. And, maybe he’s just having a human moment - where he didn’t do it right. We all know I’ve had those moments. How can I endure this moment with the lovingkindness of Christ and the patience of God?

There are going to be things that can and should make us angry within our relationships. But God calls us to a higher way of living than to act on every bit of anger we feel. God calls us to a peace and a kindness that does not blow up when angry, that is not reactive and explosive in our words. God’s modeled anger shows us that, even in our anger, we must want what is best for our spouse. How can we respond in a way that is showing that we want what’s best? It’s not going to be by cutting down with our words, giving the silent treatment, running off and telling someone else about it (our own family included). My anger ought to send me running to God, telling Him about my troubles and sorrows and heartaches. He can quell my big emotions. He can guide and direct my thoughts in a way that is appropriate for the situation. If it requires anger, then He can temper my response. If it requires letting go of the anger I felt because it was selfish or unnecessary, He most certainly will help me accomplish that.

This is why it’s so important, no matter which big feeling it is, that we take it to God first. I know that early on in our marriage, I took things to my husband first. I was so proud of how well we communicated and how much we shared and so, it felt right that he ought to know everything I thought and felt — he ought to get to know first and get allllll of the information. But as I have grown, and as I have talked with God more and read from His word more, I have realized that I shouldn’t put my husband in that position. I don’t need to go to him first. I need to go to God first. I need to let Him handle my biggest emotions, wildest feelings, and rawest reactions. Then, I must stay in close connection with Him as I seek to share what I need to with my husband. That way, I am doing it in a way that honors God, even when expressing anger or frustration or disappointment.

It is so difficult to treat people the right way when I’m angry. Perhaps that’s why the admonition is there — be angry and do not sin — because sin is going to be the temptation. It is going to be hard not to go past this line…to not let your emotions get the best of you. But don’t. Keep them in check. Keep God close and allow Him to rule your heart. ‘

Our husbands usually need to know why we’re mad. Mostly because, we don’t want to allow bitterness to become all consuming, either. We don’t want to allow grudges to grow and resentments to deeper. That is how relationships break. Instead, we want to speak clearly but kindly — speak openly but with words measured in prayer first.

This is so very hard. Mostly because when I am angry, I am fast….I am quick to speak and quick to decide and quick to jump past logic and quick to blame. Perhaps another verse that ought to stick out in my mind in those moments is …be still. Be still and know that God is….that He is in that moment, that He is going to take care of you, that He is capable of dealing with this situation no matter how bad or devastating it is. Be still. Rest in Him. Rest in the fact that He doesn’t need you to overreact for it to be a big deal to Him. He loves you, He sees you. He will be with you and comfort you. We don’t have to scream and throw a fit for Him to notice us. So let us calmly take a deep breath, and be still with Him for a moment — allowing His peace to comfort our hearts and help us have hard and messy conversations.

I am quite certain I haven’t even done all of these things this week even, but I am working on it. I am seeking to spend more time with God and less time having little pity parties with my feelings. This may be something we are having to constantly grow in - but God is faithful to keep giving us what we need.

May we each spend time this week deepening our understanding of what it means to be more like our God, who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. That way, prayerfully, we can start imitating Him more and more.

Thank you so much for being with me. I hope that you’ll join me next week as we discuss yet another way that we can grow in our marriages and honor Christ within them. Thanks again for listening, and until next time remember - love God, love your husband.