Headship and Submission
Hello and welcome to wifey Wednesdays, a podcast for women who are seeking to be the best wives they can be. I’m your host, Emily Hatfield, and this is the show where the plan is always to do things God’s way, especially our marriages.
Today’s episode is one that is both desperately needed but also very hotly contested among many individuals. The idea of headship - whew, that’s balked at by many people. But I want to look at Ephesians 5 today and see what the Spirit of God inspired for us to receive as His direction for marriage.
When we come to Ephesians chapter 1, we read this about Jesus:
And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church,
which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.
Christ is the head of the church. Moving down 4 chapters, Ephesians 5 speaks about husband and wives in this way:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Notice, we’ve got the same headship established. Christ is the head of the church, and in the way that He is, so is a husband head over the wife.
Now, here’s a question for us — how is Christ head of the church?
When Jesus came to earth, Peter says it like this in 1 Peter 2:
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth.
23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.
24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.
25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Christ came to earth and left us an example to follow. This means that husbands, when looking at what headship means, look to Jesus - just as wives, when looking at what submission means, look to Jesus. He is the perfect fulfillment of both.
In His headship over the church, Christ led the way in protection, guidance, and blessing. He led the way in provision and overseeing. He gave up His very life for the church. He loves her. He longs to be with her eternally. He blesses her and lavishes gifts upon her. He nourishes her and cherishes her and treats her as a precious, beautiful thing.
This is the way husbands are to be the heads of our families. They are to lead the way in protection, guidance, and blessing. They are to lead the way in provision and overseeing. Their care is to be tender, like a shepherd with a small lamb. Their care is to be gentle. He is to treat his wife as a precious, beautiful thing. He is to see her as one who needs protecting and caring for.
Nothing in those pictures gives off lordship vibes, right? Lording authority over someone. Chewing them out when they step out of line? None of it is forcing your own way. None of it is strong arming. None of it is shouting to be the loudest or last word.
That isn’t Jesus. And if it isn’t Jesus, it ought not be the way a husband has headship over a wife.
The husband is the head of the wife, absolutely. And that head is to KNOW things — to know things about how to treat his body. He ought to respond when his body is hurting. He ought to give extra care and gentleness when the body is hurting. He ought to pay attention when something seems off or out of whack. He ought to seek to learn what his body needs so that he can care for it in the best ways.
This is Jesus. Jesus often stooped down to comfort people who needed extra care. He saw people who seemed forgotten. He didn’t shrug people off. He didn’t use His Lordship to bear down on others or rub it in their face; He always had humility. He always had gentleness. He always had tenderness.
He treated people with dignity and compassion, always. He listened to people. He heard their cries and complaints and struggles, and it is often said, “He had compassion on them.” He might have known it was nothing to really be making a fuss about, like with Martha. He might have known that He was about to make everyone’s day better, like with Lazarus. Yet He still met people with gentleness and compassion right where they were.
This is the headship of a husband. It isn’t all authority, barking down orders, my way or the highway mess. It is shepherding your family. It seems this is why one of the characteristics of an elder in the Lord’s church is that he be someone who has first shepherded his own family well. He must be married. He must have children. He must have proven one the home front that he is a capable, gentle shepherd.
Husbands are to be shepherding us. They are to be guiding us and nourishing us and leading us toward heaven. They are to be spiritual men, eager to adopt the mind of Christ.
But! Hear me, please. Even if a husband isn’t the head of the home he ought to be, a wife was never called to step into that position.
Wives are called to a life of submission.
We balk at that word a lot, too. We don’t love it. We don’t like the implications. We don’t like the ways it has been misused and therefore we have swung the other direction. But submission is a beautiful word, and it is a beautiful calling for us as wives. Because Jesus is the picture of submission in the purest, most amazing form.
Listen to Philippians 2:
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,fn
6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,fn
7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant,fn being born in the likeness of men.
8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name,
10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father
Can we, as wives, superimpose our names into this concept? Do I, as a wife, not count equality with my husband as a thing to be grasped? Do I, as a wife, feel empowered by Christ to empty myself and become a servant? Do I, as a wife, humble myself by becoming obedient?
There are so many verses that speak to the equality of husbands and wives — in Christ there is neither male nor female — we each stand in equal need of the gospel and we each stand equally loved and forgiven by Christ. And yet, our roles are different. Part of my role is not clinging to the equality part of our makeup so tightly that I forget the obedience part to God’s plan. I am ok with the role of a servant within my marriage, because that’s the role Jesus took in order to offer me salvation. Through His submission to God’s plan and God’s life for Him, we each have hope of eternal life.
If Jesus was willing to humble Himself by coming from His place as the One through whom everything was made in the entire universe, to the form of created, weak human flesh, then can I not humble myself in my marriage by taking on the role of submission? There can’t be two heads. That creates a monster. That creates infighting. That creates division. There must be a head and there must be a body. How amazing that we get to be that body? We get to be the ones who take on the role of Jesus…humbling ourselves, submitting to God first and foremost, and obeying His plan for us. It is through the submission of Christ that the plan of God was revealed to us, and isn’t it fascinating that it is through this submission that some of our husbands are going to come to know this plan?
1 Pet 3 says it this way,
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
Our husbands aren’t going to see Jesus in us if we are constantly fighting against the plan of God. If we are constantly struggling beneath the weight of selfishness that says, I would rather be the head. That’s not Jesus. Jesus willingly left heaven. He willingly went to the cross. It was hard submitting to God’s plan, which is why the garden prayer scene is so powerful. But He did it, because He loved God and He loved us.
If we love God and we love our husband, then won’t we eagerly submit? It might be a struggle sometimes, but that is why we pray for strength to submit. It isn’t weakness that makes us the ones who submit. It takes great strength. No one would claim Jesus was weak! Submission takes extreme strength. Because we see that we are equally valued and loved by God; created with as much care and goodness and as many talents and abilities….but with a different purpose than a husband. We were given the role to submit. And if that is what God asks of me, then that is what I will offer Him as a sacrifice. My whole life belongs to Him. I will live it how He directs me.
Now, submitting doesn’t mean I don’t have any voice or opinion. Submitting doesn’t mean I do every single thing my husband ever asks. Women of God are women of wisdom - women of action - women of strength. Take a look at Abigail in the Old Testament. Her husband said don’t do this….she did it. Was she not submissive? She was first and foremost submissive to God, Whose laws required hospitality and Whose promise said David was to be king. When our husbands ask or even demand of us something that goes against God, we strand up and do what God says. He is my Chief Shepherd. He is the One to whom all authority is given. And if a husband is not wielding the authority he has from God in a way that God has said or shown, then I am not going to yield to his authority instead of God’s. I will make wise choices. I will still remain humble and gentle and respectful, so that they will see my conduct and know I honor God. You cannot go against a husband’s incorrect and sinful authority instead a way that is incorrect and sinful yourself! But - our allegiance is to Christ. He is our true Head. He is the One whose voice I follow. If my husband’s voice is differing from God’s, I listen to God.
Look at women like Esther and Bathsheba. They obviously lived in very, very different circumstances and cultures and time periods than us, yet, they were respectful women. Esther humbled herself in going before the king TWICE. Bathsheba went humbly before King David in his final days in order to secure the throne for Solomon. They did not go in nagging, with their feminine wiles, or whatever else. They were strong women who knew to do things God’s way and to see His way above their own safety and security and preference.
Submission doesn’t mean never saying anything. Submission doesn’t mean never rocking the boat. Submission doesn’t mean no opinion. Submission doesn’t mean acting sinfully because your husband is or told you to. Sapphira could have said no, but she went along with Ananias’s plan. That was her own downfall. Jezebel could have lived the life of a humble queen, but instead chose to make her way THE way and her voice THE voice, which, again, was her downfall.
Ephesians 5:22 is pretty clear: wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. That last bit is the crucial piece. I’m going to first submit to Christ, and then I am going to act within my marriage in the ways He has called me to.
But you know what, Ephesians 5:21 is also pretty clear: submitting to one another out of reference to Christ.
That’s an everyone command. That’s the job of a brother and sister in Christ.
So we, as wives, get to have a special kind of submission in our marriages. The kind that is willingly led and protected and guarded. The kind that is not bucking at every single decisions or nagging about my way always being done. Love, as I recall from 1 Corinthians 13, does not insist on its own way. That is definitely an easy thing to say and yet a hard one to live out. Still, as wives, our job is to be submissive. Willingly arranging ourselves under. First and foremost, I have willingly arranged myself under Christ and I will do His will no matter how I feel about it. Because of that, I have willingly arranged myself within my marriage as the one who submits. Who goes along with. Who seeks to serve. Who is active in supporting the head!
These can be difficult concepts to iron out within a marriage between two flawed human beings. Thanks be to God that He is gracious and merciful, and that He gives us the help we need when we ask. May we pray for our husbands to be good heads, and may we pray for ourselves to be good bodies. May we submit, even when it’s hard. May we do so without complaint. May we willingly offer ourselves as obedient servants to Christ, thankful that He led the way so beautifully in an example for us.
Thanks so much for being with me again this week. I hope that you’ll join me next time as we continue our marriage-focused final season. Until next time remember, love God love your husband.
