Emotional Availability
Hello and welcome to Wifey Wednesdays, a podcast for women who are seeking to be the best wives they can be. I’m your host, Emily Hatfield, and this is the show where the plan is to do things God’s way, especially our marriages.
On today’s episode, we’re talking about something that I think is probably becoming more and more of a problem within the social media age we live in, and that is being emotionally available for your spouse.
How easy is it for you to be in the same room — occupying the same space — but we’re glued to our phones or watching TV or doing some other kind of in the same room but we’re actually a million miles apart activity?
Can’t this hurt a marriage?
Your spouse is supposed to be the person who is closest to you - who is literally a part of who you are because two have become one. So what happens when we close ourselves off emotionally?
I think there are many dangers to this kind of thing, the most glaring of which is — we’re going to get our emotional needs met somewhere. When things start lacking in this area, where are we turning — where is our spouse turning? If I check out of the emotionally difficult or taxing things, my spouse can see that - probably feel that. And if I seem emotionally unavailable, that’s going to be a detriment to our marriage.
Now, studies would suggest that this is going to be a problem more so for men than it is for women — but I’m not so sure that it isn’t a struggle for everybody, mostly because we’re just made differently. The way I see emotional needs being met vs. the way my spouse does — they’re very different. What he needs from me is different than what I need from him, so sometimes we may both be trying to give the thing WE need, but we aren’t actually giving our spouse what THEY need, which may come across as emotionally unavailable.
How can we work past it? How can we make sure that we are giving the gift of our presence to one another, being fully available to each other in every way?
I think it starts by looking at Jesus.
When Jesus was tired, He still made time for those who needed Him. Even on the days He was trying to get away, if the crowd came around pressing Him - He had compassion on them and gave of Himself to them. In His most difficult hour, He was thinking of and praying for the ones He loved.
When we are tired, we may be tempted to shut off - to decompress on our phones - or to insist on some me time. But what if our spouse needs us? Just because we’re tired doesn’t mean they don’t. Just because we’ve had a long day or a busy day doesn’t mean they don’t need us. Everyone wants to feel valued within their marriage. When everything seems to revolve around my schedule, my feelings, my long day, my overwhelming job…is it a shock when my spouse doesn’t feel valued? Is it a far fetched notion to think our spouse wouldn’t necessarily be having all of their needs met?
Wouldn’t it be convenient if people only needed you when you were in a space to give time and attention and support? But that’s not always the case, is it? This is what parenting has taught me and is, quite frankly, refining within me. Those first few years especially — babies don’t care if you’re tired or haven’t slept through the night in 18 months. Babies don’t care if you’re sick. Babies don’t care if you were in the middle of something. Their needs matter and you are going to have to figure out how to meet them while sleep deprived and juggling other responsibilities and feelings.
Within our marriages, our spouse isn’t only ever going to need us when we’ve had a full night’s rest and a relatively calm day. Sometimes they are going to be their neediest when we’ve had a long day or when we’re tired or when we’re struggling, too. What would Jesus’ example do for us in those moments? Shouldn’t we treat others the way we ought to be treated? When I am really struggling and need the emotional support of my husband, I am going to feel utterly rejected when he just feels too tired to deal with me. And when that happens — the temptation will be to put up a bit of a wall, to load up a defense so that I won’t feel like that again.
That’s why being emotionally unavailable is so dangerous to a marriage!
You cannot expect for things to go well when you start shutting each other out, intentionally OR unintentionally.
We were created to need each other. Eve was created as a help-meet for Adam. What did that mean? I think it means, Adam needed her. Once Adam had Eve, and only then, was everything very good. So it’s ok to need each other, and to have needs that can only be met by our spouse. It is a beautiful thing to reserve such for each other, which means we need to do our best to be in tune with each other so that we can give our spouse what they need — not just what I think I would need if I were them. We must really listen. Really study. Pay attention. Then, live a life that isn’t insisting on our own way but is intentionally serving and looking for ways to bless. That is what Jesus did, and that is the example I want to follow.
1 Peter 3:7 says, husbands - live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Now, there’s a lot to unpack within this - but firstly, let’s not get defensive about the weaker vessel bit. It doesn’t mean less valuable. It doesn’t mean we’re weak in a way that is negative. I think about the beauty and fragility of fine china over against the weird, indestructible plastic Disney plates my children have. Obviously the china is more breakable, but it is also obviously highly valuable and refined and to be held in honor. That’s us as wives. We’re to be held in honor. Cherished. Not treated haphazardly. But here’s the kicker — so that your prayers won’t be hindered.
So, living within our marriages in a way that goes against what God calls us to — that hinders our prayers. Well…I for one do not want that. I don’t want my prayers hindered nor my husband’s - so let’s get this figured out, right? Let’s make sure that we are learning to dwell with one another in understanding. Let’s make sure that I’m learning submission and respect (don’t those things fuel emotional needs?) — let’s make sure we’re showing up for each other emotionally because how we show up in marriage matters to God!
We don’t get to just haphazardly walk through our married life. After all, our marriages are pointing to something beyond ourselves! Our marriages are to be such a beautiful picture of Christ and the church — and it is blasphemous to act like Jesus would not meet the needs of the church. It is ludicrous to think that the church does not need Jesus and His support and strength, and that likewise the church is just free to do whatever because Jesus doesn’t need her. Wrong — the church has been given a great commission — we have a job to do, and we must fulfill it. Christ and the church — they need each other, and so do husbands and wives. They fulfill each other. They complement one another. They make themselves available to one another.
So how can we do this?
For moms, I think maybe it starts with making sure your children aren’t at the very center of your heart and life. I love my children — I am so grateful for the opportunity to be their mom and I want to steward this role God has given me. But I also am a wife, and I cannot neglect that role just because I have taken on another role with motherhood. Just because the needs of the children may be loud and overwhelming and a lot and nonstop doesn’t mean I get to just look at my husband and say — best of luck, I’ll get around to meeting your needs in about 18! OR, I’ll focus on you once the children are doing something else.
Can we show our children that being a wife is a role of ours, too, and that it is important? Can we teach our children how to love their future spouse by the way we are loving their daddy? If they never see us talking or enjoying one another or listening to each other, what will they think of marriage? If we consistently put them first, what are they learning about the order of things? I said for moms, because in general this is just harder for us. But I think it’s crucial that we keep our priorities where they need to be.
And for husbands, it’s probably just making sure you’re actually investing in your wife. See her needs. Listen. Get off your phone. Deal with being tired after a long day of work if it means giving her a little attention. Work - it’s a crucial part of a man’s role as leader and provider for his family - but it is not the be all end all. It cannot come above people, most especially the people entrusted to your care and leadership.
When I think about some of the marriages we see in scripture, I think about a couple of men. These are going to be wildly different situations than you and I find ourselves in, mostly because they’re both married to multiple women, but I think we’ll still find some good things! First, I think about Elkanah, Hannah’s husband. It seems like he was well in tune with the hurts she had, the desires she had…and he would consistently care for her and gently provide, even through a period of devastating grief. Could we try to be like this as a spouse? Really in tune with what our spouse is going through, trying our best to alleviate any problems we can, while bearing with them when situations are hard to deal with? I mean, Elkanah could have just been like - this lady is difficult and sad and I don’t have time for that…I’ve got another wife I can enjoy! But Elkanah was a good man and a kind man, and I think his example is a good one to imitate.
Then you have Jacob. I don’t think he’s really going to be one we want to imitate, but I think we need to talk about him anyway.
Talk about somebody who was completely emotionally unavailable for most everybody in his family. How would you like to have been Leah? Or, any of the sons besides Joseph and Benjamin? Jacob really struggled to see outside of himself and his own desires. He played favorites and mostly, it seems like he was his favorite - and he did what he wanted. How does that turn out? I don’t think any of us want the messes of Jacob — which means, we cannot become self-consumed. We cannot only do what we feel is best for us. We must, as Jesus did, look out not only for our own interests but also for the interests of others. But also, as an aside within this story, can we as wives make sure we’re not just trying to manipulate our husbands? The whole Leah and Rachel mandrake story is a weird one to be sure, but it is so telling of the relationship dynamics within these marriages. Jacob was selfish. Rachel especially was manipulative. Leah took solace in her children since her husband was emotionally unavailable to her… it’s just all a train wreck. Let’s stay as far away from that as we can.
I want to give my best to my marriage, because my marriage is supposed to honor and glorify God. My marriage is supposed to reflect Christ and His church. I never want to do anything that detracts from His glory. That means, I’m going to make sure my marriage isn’t all about me. I’m going to make sure that I am in tune with my husband’s need, and also that I try to communicate mine in a way that isn’t blaming, degrading, manipulative, or condescending. When needs haven’t been met, I cannot be passive aggressive, retaliatory, or dismissive. I cannot shut down and shut out just because I’m not treated how I should be. I’m going to live in such a way that my role as wife shows my husband who Jesus is and how good He is.
Is that going to be easy? Maybe not always. But if I will, first and foremost, have my emotional needs met by God, then I will be ok when my husband doesn’t fulfill them all. When my husband is imperfect and lets me down, it will be ok because God never does. All of my eggs are never in my husband’s basket — God is the One who holds every part of me together. He gave us husbands to support us and meet our needs and honor us and cherish us…but He did not give us husbands who would step in and take His place. He alone is the One I worship — the One who keeps me filled with joy and contentment, even when the circumstances around me aren’t great — even when my marriage might not be.
Let’s do our best this week to put the phones down, to tell the children to wait a minute, to actually listen instead of starting to formulate our response…let’s try to meet the needs of our spouse this week and see what happens.
Well, that’s gonna do it for today’s episode. Thanks so much for being with me, and until next time remember - Love God, love your husband.
